I started this blog with the intention of being positive. Not toxically positive, but enough to never let hope or encouragement die in an ever-growing cloud of difficult times. Not a cringey brand of positive, but just a dash of positivity enough to counteract the outrage, rage-bait, maliciousness and any other form of intentional negativity online with a sincere yearning for unity, prosperity, and comfort. My intention for this blog is to be a much-needed third space, a refuge from intense emotion, a place to simply re-center ourselves. But I am struggling. Since the start of this ongoing presidency of the United States’ 47th president, Donald Trump, I have been angry. I have been disgusted. I have been ashamed. I have been embarrassed. And worst of all, I have been hopeless. Everyday is exhausting. There has not been a single day when news’ headlines do not shake me to my core. I feel a deep sense of betrayal and bewilderment. These feelings are a set of rambunctious twins; both fight for dominance and both run amok in my heart. I feel betrayed by everyone who voted for this administration despite all the facts being readily available, by the politicians (both Democrat and Republican) who promised to uphold the American Constitution and have failed to the do so, and even by the political left who fail to unify and intentionally put ourselves into factions. I feel bewildered that Trump and his administration are allowed to do anything whatsoever without consequence and are not fully stopped! 

Since the recent American election, my heart has been plagued with waves- no- tsunamis of emotions. The train of thought in my brain had its rails abruptly switched and it is still heading forward, but down a new path. I thought I was rather aware of the world. I thought I was educating myself with enough knowledge at an appropriate pace. While I know I am not intellectual genius, I felt like I understood the concept of nuance enough to know that life is overwhelmingly complex. But after the recent American election, I wonder if what I thought was knowledge just a mere naivete? Before the election, I understood that Trump supporters voted for Trump for numerous reasons, like the economy or immigration or feeling abandoned by the left, etc. While these reasons are still reasonable (take with a grain of salt, these issues do need to be addressed) motivations for voting for a president, after the election, I realized a very simple truth: human beings make decisions based on emotions and feelings. No matter how much data and information are available, the final decision comes down to how people feel about it. 

I’ve come to realize that the human mind is an incredibly abstract thing. The human mind has managed to create buildings of every shape and size, harness the powers of the wind and electricity, turn thousands of different sounds and written symbols into complex languages full of meaning, create entire religions to understand the relationship between the cosmos and ourselves, explore the cosmos itself, create vessels capable of travel to the farthest corners of earth, create mathematics and physics to define patterns and assess the physical rules that govern the world, create endless forms of art capable of invoking such a deep sense of emotion that the mere sight or sound of it moves us, and so much more. And for everything the mind creates, the mind also reacts. How we interpret this endless data we create is a feeling. We become proud when we believe we have made a scientific breakthrough. We become joyful when we hear upbeat music and let our bodies flow naturally to the rhythm. But we also become jealous when we think someone else is good at something that we’re not good at. We become offended when someone asks a certain question even though it may come from a place of genuine curiosity. And even when certain information and data is presented to us, we react to it by choosing to accept or reject it based on our subjective experiences and beliefs. Those subjective beliefs and experiences shape our feelings and emotions which then affect our decision making. This recent election was a perfect example of that. Every American, and I mean every American, voted with their heart and mind. Some of us chose to accept certain facts and dismiss others. We all did it. No one is immune to bias. But some of us voted for a man who is hellbent on destruction, despite every flashing warning sign. Because that’s what some of us felt. Nothing more, nothing less.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. A Christian holy day that marks the first day of Lent, a 40-day fast dedicated to repentance in which Christians observe by praying, fasting, and almsgiving. Since this anger took over my heart, I have strayed further from God. I am supposed to love and treat everyone as my neighbor, but how feasible can that be when my neighbor voted to treat so many of us like less? To treat so many of us like worthless garbage thrown on a city sidewalk? To treat so many of us as destructive career criminals when all we want is to even be simply considered for a decent career? I’ve always considered myself a person of great empathy, but right now this precious vault of empathy feels completely empty. It is replaced by the perilously hot fire of anger, betrayal, and bewilderment. And like any fire, it will consume unless I get it under control. This Lent will be the hardest Lent of my life. A display of penitence seems so foreign and distasteful to me right now. I don’t want to be reflective and think positively. I am not in the headspace and do not want to be. And quite honestly, I cannot guarantee that I will be “successful” in my Lenten journey this time around because of my headspace. But I do desperately need to talk to God. And I know not everyone is religious or spiritual, but for those who feel the way I do regarding the current state of the United States, it is imperative that we do not lose ourselves and lose hope. My faith as a Christian keeps me grounded and forces me to be accountable. Practicing my faith means loving my neighbor even when my neighbor doesn’t love me. We must find whatever is that keeps us grounded and on the good and steady path forward.

On Thursday, February 27, 2025 I called a representative. This was the first time I have ever done that in my entire life. I clumsily fumbled and tripped over my words, but never stopped speaking. I let words flow from my mouth like an eternal river, never still. They poured out of me ungraciously peppered with chunks of repetitive words and flavored with nervousness. The man on the receiving end of the call listened earnestly; his calm, reassuring manner gave me the confidence to continue speaking no matter what. I do not know why I was so nervous. As a matter of fact, I should not have been nervous at all. I find conversations of the phone quite enjoyable and prefer that method of communication over text message or email. But I had to put on a brave face and just do it. I did something that hopefully might make a positive difference in society. I did something that grounded me and kept me on the good and steady path forward. It may have been one drop in the bucket, but if felt good. And like I said before, human beings make decisions based on our emotions and feelings. I think it is safe to safe that I made a good decision and will continue to do so.

Writing this blog post was difficult. I stopped and started so many times, wondering how much should I share. How much should I share of the anger, embarrassment, and the intense desire to just snap my fingers and make the things right again? I think I will struggle with my thoughts from here on out. But I do want to keep the promise I made to myself when starting this blog: being a positive place. So I end this post on a good note: people are fighting back against the administration and people are coming together to make positive change. It will be long, but I believe we will triumph. And for those of us who are Christian and are observing Lent, I wish you a Happy Ash Wednesday and a fruitful Lenten season. We are worth a good fight. We deserve a great life. We are worthy, period, despite what anyone and/or their decisions make us believe. Embrace your feelings. Own them. Facts may not always win hearts and minds, but emotions do. Emotions are powerful and so are we.

Happy Ash Wednesday!