I turned 28 in 2023. Twenty-eight long years on this Earth and yet time seems to jet on by, racing and soaring through the clouds trying to make it to the finish line. Twenty-eight long years on this Earth and a constant cycle of building experience on top of experience creating a tower higher than the Tower of Babylon. Twenty-eight long years on this Earth and thousands, if not millions, of people I have interacted who left their mark of me some way or another like a never-ending autograph book.

Since I turned 28, I started thinking about my life a lot more thoroughly than ever before. Ideas about who I should be and where I should be in life swirl around in my head constantly, giving me pause and making what I have done for myself and what be my next steps. But one thought repeatedly shows up at the front door of my mind time and time again- the concept of community. The mere concept of being in camaraderie with a group of people over at least one shared thing is such a simple idea. But actually investing, indulging, or joining in a community seems to be slipping away as I get older. And I am entirely unsure why.

Here in the West, the “identity crisis” and “figuring out where you belong” are considered to be struggles that mainly teenagers face. But in my experience, they’re not just teen struggles- they’re ongoing battles that start happening as soon as you are conscious of your place and your space within the world and only end when you are no longer cognizant of that place and space. As a little girl, the way I sought belonging was through just being around other kids, waiting for them to approach, and diving right into whatever shenanigans they cooked up. I was a shy child. As a teenager, the way I sought belonging was through giving way too much priority over finding my identity and trying to fit into what seemed to be the most important life-defining community at the time: high school. And as an adult, trying to seek belonging has been anything but a linear journey; there were times I felt I had to people-please and there were times I felt so lonely, comparing myself to others’ perceived close-knit circles. There are times when I went through intense bouts of independence, fearlessly doing what I wanted when I wanted, regardless of who supported me or not.

Now in 2024, with my 30’s looming in front of me, inching ever so closer, I fully stand by the belief that a support network can make or break you. Having people to connect with is life-changing and life-sustaining. To be quite honest, the worst times in my life are when I thought I had NOBODY to turn to for support or need or to just have shoulder to lean on. The best times in my life were when I could reflect and admire and be sure that there were familiar faces to guide me, support me, and celebrate me when I needed them. And at 28, looking at the familial ties, collegial partnerships, and friendships I have built and garnered so far, make me optimistic for the future. I feel solid. It took a while to get here, but it is such a welcomed and cherished feeling.

My goal is to reach this Shangri-La of community: a utopia of mental, emotional, and spiritual support; a place where love and affection are shown in a multitude of ways one can’t even dream of; a sturdy, strong mound of earth upon which a solid foundation of peace is built; and an intuitive place, lovingly built and nurtured by harmony herself. Despite the time and effort put in to reach this goal, I’m still not there yet. There is still a long trek up the mountain before I reach. The world has been changing rapidly. Due to technological innovation, there are more ways to connect than there have ever been before. But somehow, life also feels lonelier and more isolated more than ever as well. And statistics back this up: “community” as we know it is changing. More and more people are meeting each other online. While I don’t mind engaging with others online, I do have a growing sense of feeling far away from others. Engagement in-person is a total-body experience that features body language, tone, sight, sound, etc. Engagement online mainly requires sight. On one hand, I feel connected but on the other hand, my interactions feel like parasocial relationships. I am interacting with people through screens, reacting to personalities and thoughts that are more often than not carefully curated and inauthentic. I have also noticed that while being online enables me to find communities dedicated to a very specific thing, which is difficult to find in real life, it can also lead you down a path of letting that one thing define you. That feeling does not stay online unfortunately and can easily bleed into real life, creating a singular identity instead of a well-rounded, nuanced one.

Living in a western country also doesn’t help; individualism is a big thing in the West and many studies have documented the fact that Westerners are more likely to experience loneliness in individualistic countries rather than collectivist ones. 

As I get older and hopefully wiser, I am trying to push myself more. I am pushing myself to do more and create a more well-rounded lifestyle for myself. But sometimes I hit road bumps and do not like my options. For example, houses of worship are huge community centers, but I cannot always get behind the sermon being taught and the message being spread. Another example is nightlife. I love going out and having fun, but I hate going to clubs and don’t love drinking enough to frequent bars. Unfortunately, a lot of venues open late at night are clubs and bars. Another example is lack of work-life balance; there are so many classes I want to take but wouldn’t be able to make in time due to me working onsite. And when I am not working, I devote my time to preparing for work and worrying about work. A huge road bump I also see is just not having places which encourage people to go out of their comfort zone and talk to strangers. I can’t think of any venues or events in which attending includes an element of intentionally (and somewhat obligatorily) having people spend a significant amount of time interacting with people who are not in their social circle. Having an option like this would help people who are more introverted or shy or socially awkward at least have the opportunity to socialize and meet new people. These examples may appear as excuses, but trying to balance adult responsibilities, work, social life, familial responsibilities, and my own personality and tendencies is difficult and overwhelming. More often than not, I find myself burned-out. And as I get older, I crave peace, not more stress.

Twenty-eight long years on this Earth. Twenty-28 years of the lifelong struggle of figuring out where you belong and how to make it there. Twenty-eight years of walking the long path, meeting and losing people along the way. Finding community is a very long and complicated puzzle, but I have patience and determination. I think I have done good for myself so far. I have my family, great friends, and better opportunities. Perhaps “community” is not as static as we are made to believe; it’s always flowing like a river, forever-going and ever-changing and always bringing people and things along wherever it flows. I think the future of my community looks bright. As I mature, become more confident and independent and develop my sense of self, my community grows bigger. I will continue to find what I am looking for and to anyone reading this: you will too. We deserve support. We deserve love. We deserve belonging and fulfillment. We deserve Shangri-La.